We now interrupt your regularly scheduled blog...

Normally (at least as normally as I get), I am loathe to follow the misdirections of critics but I was in the DVD rental store, bored and looking for a night off the bottle as I vaguely recalled a recommendation from the newspaper and went in search of same. I found the acclaimed film but some other fan had beaten me to the punch so, undeterred but desperately hung-over, I picked the next film in the rack and my brilliant gambit was certainly rewarded.

The title was “Onibaba”(1964).　

Three minutes into the flick there was a savage double murder and an even harsher disposal of the corpses. Then the gals stopped to eat. Yea, that’s right, I said Gals! And Murder!　And Eats!

The film takes place in feudal Japan where the shit has most definitely hit the fan- wars are raging, resources are scarce and conditions are mean all around. The girls (2- one old and mean, one young and juicy) live on an isolated farm in the middle of nowhere and are in such dire straits that they have to pick off stray samurai who are wounded or lost just to survive. They savagely kill, strip the bodies then sell the bloody booty for food.
This is the first five minutes I’m talking about here.

Then it gets better.　A neighbor (Man- lazy, horny, semi-stupid/semi-sharp and strongly reminding me of myself) returns from the wars beaten, hungry and desperate. He promptly makes a strong play for the feisty young filly and is almost as promptly rewarded. Turns out she’s been missing her husband for far too long and is as eager for some good lovin’ as he is for some hot action. The old broad is left in the draft, alone, ignored, unwanted but still as horny and hungry as hell. She correctly surmises that this stud could put a serious cramp in her lethal alliance with what she perceives as her partner and her very real fear, desperation, lust and hunger force her to take action. This sets up the wicked triangle of deceit, double crosses and pure sex that will fill the remainder of the story.

Supposedly based on a Japanese folk tale, I can’t imagine a tale more carnal, natural or less folksy. I’m not selling anything here but if you watch this flick with that special lady I guarantee you’ll get your pole waxed after the credits roll, perhaps even before. It’s THAT smoking hot! Jam-packed with vicious murder, gratuitous nudity, sweaty sex and all too human desire of every variety this is a film that will captivate anyone with a heartbeat. All I’m saying is this- If you got 2 hours to kill and some female company to kill it with, RENT THIS FILM. Do not watch it alone unless you’re into self abuse because that young girl is hotter than the summer sun and swinging her juicy tits through half the flick. She’s sexy in that pure, hot, raw vein just as so many women can be but aren’t.
The guy is cool and knows what he wants, then he goes out and gets it- do you need anything more in an antihero?
The old broad plays a gripping, savvy, cruel and altogether realistic antagonist. The tale is simple, compelling yet surprising until the end and the twists and turns are consistently shocking but so humanly sensible that you feel them all in your chest (or crotch).
Powerful music, sensuous visuals, haunting images and a juggernaut narrative should keep your pulse jumping to the finish. After that it’s up to you as to how you put the wood to the girlfriend but, never fear my friend, I think she’s gonna to be ready to GO. If she’s not, put her in the wind ‘cuz the girl ain’t right.

You’re welcome in advance.




Special note- The DVD is a re-release and part of the Criterion Collection and if you have time check out the extras and the interview with director Kaneto Shindo. He’s currently in his 90’s and still as sharp as a razor. An altogether fascinating Man/Artist and well worth the minutes.

Stone the Crows

As I type these words the L.A. Branch in the U.S. division of the Roman Catholic Church is preparing to settle their numerous (508 to be exact) child sexual abuse cases out of court- rather than face testimony and cross examination- for the sum of $660 million dollars. Averaging out to $1.2 million per victim give or take a few hundred thousand. Dollars I mean.
This settlement brings the U.S. Church’s current payout total to just over $2 billion nationwide.
I cannot find an accurate tally of the children abused.

Please consider those sums for just a moment.

660 MILLION DOLLARS!

Total- 2 BILLION DOLLARS!

And that's just the US Division, the Main Office ain't pitching up a buck.

For the accountants out there the Church will handle it about like this-

“Cardinal Mahoney said that $250 million of the settlement would be paid by the Archdiocese, $227 million by insurers and $60 million by religious orders whose priests and brothers perpetuated some of the abuse. He said the remainder, $123 million, would come from “other sources”, including religious orders “not yet participating” in the settlement.
In previous settlements the Archdiocese of L.A. had already promised $144 million, bringing its total to about $774 million in settlements. Cardinal Mahoney said that to pay for the settlements, the Archdiocese would sell some properties, liquidate some investments and borrow some money. He said he would not need to end any core functions or sell any parish properties or schools.” N.Y. Times, July 17, 2007.

So happy to hear that they will only have to sell “some” properties and liquidate “some” assets.

And praise to their God that their business…er….sorry, religious core functions will not be affected too greatly.

But, I was wondering, who are they borrowing money from? A Bank? The Swiss Government?? Bill Gates???

Can you imagine the application interview process?

“Excuse me, Young Man, but I’d like to discuss a matter of some........er.........delicacy."

"We are here to serve in any way we can."

"Thank you. Well, we'd like to borrow $123 million dollars.”

"Rather a large sum, wouldn't you say?"

"We are a large.......Organization."

“I should like to inquire about the purpose of the loan….um……sir?”

“Yes…well…..it unfortunately appears that my Organization has been ordered to pay $660 million for the decades long systematic sexual abuse of children left in our care and we’ll be needing the $123 to make the nut and keep the old ship on course if you know what I mean” Winks, grins ruefully.

“Ah………I see……………..and what, may I ask, can you offer as collateral (painful expression)…….your….Cardinal…ish..ness?”

“Half the money and property in the World and YOUR SOUL’S EVERLASTING LIFE IN HEAVEN!”

“Well….we had a very similar application recently from a Mr…….just a sec……….yes……..a Mr. Bin Laden who offered much the same as collateral. To be frank we are interested in only the 1st part of the offer. Exactly, I assure you, what we informed Mr. Bin Laden of as well.” Smiles, slightly.

“The cash and land is the real deal and you know it,” jaw tight, “so what about it?”

“Well sir, I think we may be able to work something out.” Smiles, widely.

“Of course you will have to fill out this very simple form……oh…….really more of a contract actually and most routine.” He slides the paper across the desk.

“And we will be needing a signature.”

“We’ve done plenty business before…. Give me the pen.” He grabs and begins to scribble.

“Of course we have Your Eminence….and may I just say,” folds his long fingers across the desk,

“What a fantastic ring.”

Billy's Loot Scam

One of the truly endearing aspects of Life in J-land- at least for Gai-jin- is the pleasure of watching haughty Hollywierd Stars prostituting their talents in Japanese TV commercials for almost any product imaginable while chasing a FAT PHAT paycheck. It’s really almost inspirational to see how easy it is to toss one’s principles away in favor of the deliciously cold, hard cash.

Let’s see….at present we can at all hours, day and night, view-

Cameron Diaz desperately pushing her rapidly aging Empty-Headed Blonde Routine for a Major Cell Phone provider.

Oscar winner Tommie Lee Jones appearing hangdog and hilarious in a series of comic ads (which perhaps not so strangely, given TLJ’s chops, are actually quite funny!) for canned coffee.

Uma Thurman valiantly giving it her all in a trio of strange, slightly off-kilter makeup ads that may resonate with her J-fans but leave us scratching our noggins.

Mr. and Mrs. Angelina Jolie, she in a non-speaking makeup bit treating this Great Nation to those World Class tasty, tasty lips and he in a series of equally non-speaking but nonetheless well done spots where he saunters around India talking into his cell phone while looking MovieStarish.


And previous viewings brought us-

Bruce Willis sitting, standing and seeming almost lifelike while whispering his three word line, “I feel Legacy.”….??????....... for a car company.

J-Lo doing absolutely as little as possible while strolling through a shampoo spot. (This spot was previously occupied by Natalie Portman while she was in Tokyo shilling for "V for Vendetta")

Luscious Milla Jovavich (I know, I know…it’s stretching the Star category but what can I say? I’m in love with the woman.) shaking it for a digital camera firm.

Yes…..these are indeed Life’s Lottery Winners. Mostly modestly, modestly talented but generally genetically gifted persons who through chance, luck, skill, nepotism and sometimes real effort have managed to produce opportunities wherein they can cash in their looks, luck or skills and make MILLIONS of dollars for a couple of hours work (or more accurately sitting in a makeup chair, then sitting in front of a camera, but hey folks…these people are actors and we must respect their craft!) while on paid vacation.

And recently a new player has arrived on the J-Shores- Billy Blanks!
Yes!
That Billy Blanks!!!

C’mon you remember a decade ago when "Billy’s Boot Camp" was all the rage (OK…Alright………..some kind of rage anyway) and you couldn’t flip on your TV without seeing Billy’s sweaty mug urging you to “Go for It!” or some other such vitally inspirational advice for the greater good of fat housewives and lonely singles everywhere.
What a wonderful 30 day ride it was.
Yes, Billy bagged his bank then rode off into the sunset and weren’t some of us at least a little sad to see that hyped up little Energizer Bunny of a man disappear from our public forum? Well?

Fear not because Billy ain’t dead yet!

For some crazy, inexplicable reason “Billys Boot Camp” is right at this moment the hottest selling DVD boxset across this particular 120 million strong Nation of consumer lusting shopoholics who are snapping it up like starved piranhas as Billy's beaming ebony mug- albeit a wee bit older and somewhat plastically altered- sweats up a brand new storm while urging, prodding, pleading and outright ordering Japanese women (and men surprisingly) to work their bodies as never before, and don’t forget to flex that credit card! His uplifting message of……of……...OK, I don’t really know what the message is………and his stapled-in smile are once again ubiquitous on Nationwide TV long after we attention span deficient Americans gave up on Young William and rudely cast him aside.

It brings a tear to my eye and joy to my heart to finally realize, deep down in my soul that you can be completely washed up and flushed down the toilet in one country and then, a decade later, land somewhere else only to be handed the golden opportunity to pursue your long ago dream of stuffing your duffel bags full of money before you get back on the plane.
God Bless Japan!

And Billy……..this time………………………………don’t be a Hero.