And The Oscar goes to......................................

Unfortunately for us all it appears as if the Academy Awards are in dire peril due to that pesky little Strike so as a small salve to all our Oscar wounds, today I'm offering a retread of an old post(yea...sue me) that I thought might be somewhat appropriate to the....lack of occasion?

I was recently dreaming of the Award category I’d most like to actually see honored. Here’s what came to mind-

Best Actor/Actress in a Cameo Role.

Now the Rules- He/She has to be onscreen for less than 7 mins. to qualify. That’s it.

You see I feel the time is long long overdue to award the singular genius of those rare individuals who can climb aboard even the most lifeless of cinematic vehicle and jam it into gear, heretofore unheralded thespians who blow up the screen with a quirky gem of a throwaway role that slams you back into your seat and forces you to roar with laughter, cringe in fear or shake with tears.
Enough with the jaded Oscar mongering dramatic “Roles” of every “Big Star” you’ve ever seen, I want to see props for the pinch hitter who comes into the game off the bench and proceeds to crank it out of the yard, the one who steps in, jolts you with the juice, then exits stage left leaving only smiles and precious memories of money well spent.

Who among us can forget Bradley Pitt’s “True Romance” stoner-roommate perfect diamond of a performance?

“Oh… and uh……….buy some……………cleaning products.”
Jesus I’m grinning now just thinking of it. Whatever they paid him for that one, it wasn’t enough.

And isn’t it high time that these ageless, priceless giveaways were lauded as they should be but haven’t yet been? You're Damn skippy it is! Let’s right the wrong and give the little guy his day in the sun along with his own shiny gold dude to prop up on his mantel. Posthumous or not, it’s never too late and if we start now we may be able to see this category's triumphant debut at next years shindig.

So today I share with you a small, regrettably incomplete list of some of the best Cameos that I can recall from my own personal (and unfortunately limited) film history and I certainly hope you can provide me with some of the many, many Aces that I’ve neglected.

Mickey Rourke in “Body Heat”- His low key intensity (and screen debut) as a serious arsonist yet concerned career criminal grounded the movie in reality and was the first hint that things might go bad, very bad, for his horny but inept ex-lawyer.

Peter Lorre in “Casablanca”- His clueless, luckless but never-say-die lowlife slime ball caused me to imitate his desperate whine for years, “Rick! Rick! HELP ME RICK!”, and almost made me sad to see his greasy ass hauled away to the slam.

Jo Van Fleet in “Cool Hand Luke”- I once watched this film at work with 8 of the meanest, surliest, misogynistic males I’ve ever met in my life and you know what? When Luke’s Mama looks away in agony after her visit to her beloved son, now imprisoned, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. That’s Acting!

Brad Pitt, again, in “Thelma and Louise”- What can I say, I went to see this flick with my GF and after witnessing his simmering take on the shady but dead sexy desperado even I wanted to fuck the guy.

Steven Prince (Gun Guy) in “Taxi Driver”- The coolest professional salesman that has ever appeared onscreen. Period. Also……………….

Martin Scorsese in “Taxi Driver”- The great American Director’s twisted turn as the cuckold revenge fantasizing husband is seriously one of the creepiest performances ever set to celluloid.
“You know who lives in that apartment…………… a nigger lives in that apartment.”
It takes some big balls to commit to behavior which is that gripping, subnormal and simultaneously human.

Dorothy Malone in “The Big Sleep”- My Great Good God…..when Miss Malone informs Marlowe that “it’s raining pretty hard” then shoots him a look that had my cock bouncing in my pants, I swore that I understood life at last. When she removes her glasses and lets her hair down, I understood love forever.

Harland Williams in “There’s Something About Mary”- His geeky freaky hitchhiker is a delightful nightmare of wicked psychosis practically reeking in hilarity. “Step into my office……. ‘cuz you’re FUCKING FIRED!” I’m still waiting for the 7 min. abs tape.

Helena Kallianiotes in “Five Easy Pieces”- Her bitter, surly, pissed off but surprisingly soulful lesbian was the reason for my creation of this category. In a truly brilliant film bursting with humanity she shines like an angry beacon of life too real. I only hope that Alaska was clean enough for her.

The Late, Great Robert Pastorelli in “Dances with Wolves”- His hilariously repulsive trail guide Timmons is nothing short of inspired wickedness. He has you holding your nose and laughing your ass off at the same time before he, quietly, tragically and, much like his creator, dies too soon.

QT in “Reservoir Dogs”- “No, "Like a Virgin's” not about some nice girl who meets some sensitive fella........granted.....that's what "True Blue's" about....no argument there." Need I say more?

Strother Martin in "Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid"- The no-nonsense but sympathetic Ex-Pat Percy Garris jolts the movie with his quirky humanism and ultimately adds a sobering dose of realism to the Boys Southern Adventure. "Morons.....I've got morons on my team.......no one is going to rob us coming down the mountain....we have no money coming down the mountain!"

Christopher Walken in- Pick ‘em. I’m fairly certain that Walken is the most interesting alien being ever too arrive on this planet so choosing only one of his cameos was impossible. He should just save himself the space and build a small shed to house all his future trophies for acting achievement. And thanks.

All for now……………………………………………………….

'Cuz it's Monday, that's why...

By the by, the wise heads at UniversalMusicGroup decided to disable the really bitchin' animated video of this peppy little number so if you're a animation freak (or just a freak) YouTube it and enjoy.

Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other

Of course by now you’ve most likely downloaded The Cruiser and witnessed the weirdness that is himself as he mainlines the crazy and spreads his Scientology delirium with every fiber of his movie star being, ejaculating his faith into the camera in the sincerest desire to impregnate his cinematic flock with his superior wisdom and mythological beliefs, peddling his deranged superstitions with a maniacal fervor I’ve rarely witnessed outside of infomercials or faith healing revivalists.
It reminded me of the scene from “Fight Club” where Edward Norton repeatedly and passionately punches himself in the face. Much too stupid to laugh at but, somehow, not quite idiotic enough to turn away from, intended to be perhaps revelatory or, at least, shocking, but instead just sort of silly and, at most, pathetically inept.

Although I’m no huge fan of Tom’s thespian career I can truthfully say that I’ve enjoyed more than a few of his films and performances but, Brother, this one was easily the most riveting as it wickedly peeled back the All-American Boy Scout, nakedly revealing his inner ravenous creep to the YouTube Nation

Out Ethics, KSW, Org’s, SP’s, PTSSP???
WTFFF’s?

Try decaf Tommy but more power to Ya’!

Of course, subsequent to this virtual unmasking, I’ve tracked about 17 thousand opinions concerning this absolutely inconsequential farce and, of course, now will add my own to this most minor molehill of matters because it appears to me as if everyone is piling on Little Tommy without regard to any context or consequence.

As for the context I’ll say this.

I was raised and indoctrinated in the Roman Catholic faith (through no choice or fault of my own or anyone else’s as far as I can determine) and for 12 years I dutifully attended religion class along with the rest of the bullshit but the religious instruction, how can I say it, somehow stood out.

In math class there were hard answers and perfected formulas and 2 + 2 always equaled 4.
In history there was a scrupulous, and sometimes not so, record written down on the page for anyone to discover.
In Biology there was Science. That being the empirical proof of any theory.
In P.E. there was a stopwatch.

In Religion I can clearly recall sitting down as a little shaver around about 7 years young and having a grown man tell me that the entire Earth was populated by 1 man and 1 woman. He went on to explain that at some point there was a catastrophic flood in which the whole world was wiped out but 1 Old Guy, thank God, was able to ride it out by building a giant boat and filling it with every animal on the face of the planet thus allowing our little Eden to be restocked. Much later, it was explained, another guy came along, conveniently given birth by a virgin, and after an unrecorded childhood, started a small revolution at age 30 or so. He had the ability to walk on water, magically heal the sick (albeit in a sort of a frustratingly pick and choose manner), feed multitudes with nothing (only when he was in the mood I guess), read minds, see the future (except of course his own) and seemed to get the Roman Empire’s panties in a real bunch.
Oh….yeah.
Then he was crucified (how’s that for drama), rose from the dead and flew up into Heaven before coming back to life again. Of course he didn’t stay very long but absolutely promised that he would return. With a vengeance!

And my deadly serious instructor made it very clear to me that this guy did all this to pay for my 7 year old sins about 2 or 3 thousand years before I was born.

So I glanced around my classroom and thought, “Anybody buying this?”

Plenty were.

So if some nutty actor who gets paid to wear makeup on his face while standing in front of a camera and reading words that someone else wrote for him wants to trust in, testify for or hand over his money to some oddballs who believe in Aliens or volcanoes or bizarre theories espoused by a kooky self-help guru from the 50’s who succeeded in duping gullible multitudes………………then have at it my friend! The Kool-aid is all yours.

I’ve heard much weirder stories than his and from men who were at least as strange (so…..you’re a grown man and you’ve voluntarily decided to give up sex because that’s gonna help you do your job?...........Okey Dokey….well….you let me know how that’s working out and…..uh……..No…..as a matter of fact I don’t wanna be an Altar Boy) but it ain’t no skin off my nose.

And in the more Earthly scheme of things, Forbes magazine reminds me that, despite what is almost universally considered the very worst year of his long career, Little Tommy managed to rake in 31 million dollars in ’07 which would place him about 31 million ahead of me in this here real deal.

So I’m just going to go ahead and guess that TC isn’t exactly all that concerned with the consequences.

He’s got a hotline to Xemu, Baby!

Thinning the Herd

Young people are, by and large- beautiful, ugly, caring, selfish, dynamic, lazy, ungrateful, shortsighted and stupid, not necessarily in that order. I know because I can almost remember being one once so let’s all just agree to agree with this simple premise. Because of this unfortunate combination of raging hormones, identity crisis, peer pressure, abundant insecurity, rampant superiority and complete faith in their own invulnerability coupled with a complete lack of any useful experience whatsoever they are inordinately prone to, and often victim of, their own extremely poor judgment. These decision deficiencies abound and are quite universal crossing all racial, gender, ethnic, religious, economic and social boundaries.
Plenty of heartbreak and tragedy to go around.
I don’t think I know a single human being who doesn’t have at least one tale to tell, one family member to worry over or one friend to mourn.

Now contrary to some learned opinions I do not consider myself a cold-hearted man. Maybe hard-hearted and just a tad chilly but I like to think I’m capable of striking, more often than not, a decent balance of reason, sympathy, empathy and compassion on a very tight wire of common sense.
And then sometimes I dive into the void.

All Men may have been created equal but, I got some bad news, after we pop our heads into the real world…….we ain’t equal anymore!

I’ll keep it very simple- A very few are meant to lead (even fewer to rebel), most are meant to follow and some would be much better off just getting the Hell out of the way. It’s called Thinning the Herd and it’s for the benefit of all and the detriment to an infinitesimal few. It’s the very best chance for the vast majority to prosper and triumph. It’s democracy at its clearest. It's Nature. It works.

Case in Point.

Recently (2006) a 14 yr. old Missouri girl decided to take her own life. The reason given was that she had been conned online for 28 days then dumped/harassed/abused online for 1, then was apparently unable to take the pressure of this cyber onslaught for even one more minute and so decided to end it all. Doubtless I have failed to adequately capture the adolescent angst, dramatic vicissitudes and horrific circumstances of her short, tragic existence.
The moronic plot thickened, however, when it was discovered that a 47 yr. old neighbor was the emotional con artist behind the silly charade.

Quick Review- The kid offed herself because a cyber boy (who she of course had never met or even seen in the flesh) cyber flirted with her for 28 days then, for up to 24 hours, wrote mean things about her on a computer screen. This was the unbearable burden of her dismal time spent with us.

Now, the woman who spawned this fragile flower wants New Laws passed, Citizens Arrested, Keys Thrown Away and, I’m guessing, just a little bit of the media spotlight shone on her terrible, heartbreaking loss and maybe, just a tad, on her feelings.
Oprah awaits.

I’ve read more than a little about this egomaniacal idiocy and too much of the opinions that, inevitably, trailed this emotional circus but I’ve yet to hear the following school of thought expressed so I am compelled to launch it myself-

Kid…..the rest of us are better off without you.

Let the shitstorm commence.

To give everyone an idea of the ubiquity of this phenomena of Teens, once again, empty-headedly choosing the really wrong door let me just mention that here in Japan for some years there has been such a surge in teen and tween suicide due, ostensibly, to peer abuse (both the cyber and more corporeal kind) that the Japanese had to invent a new word for it, Ijime- (organized and constant harassment of the less popular by the more popular designed to socially destroy the weak).
Teenyboppers are jumping off roofs, in front of trains and hanging themselves in their rooms with such frequency that the J-School system(for what little it’s worth) has convulsed into confused paralysis, granted not a very tough trick for this bunch of automatons, bureaucrats, pencil pushers and head bobbing Yes men/women. But I digress.
I say your Society is better off, my J-friends!

Look.

If some little kid skipping around Baghdad desperately trying to keep himself in one piece while scrambling for 3 squares a day and dodging inscription into some militia or induction into a group of teeth gnashing fanatics decided to punch his own ticket as a way off his wonderful little merry-go-round, I think I’d understand just a touch.

If some teenage hottie in Darfur spent her every waking moment devising strategies that might allow her to avoid daily gang rape or mutilation by roving bands of machete wielding madmen bent on ethnic cleansing while maybe, sometimes, occasionally eating food and so at last she finally opted to throw away this grand ticket to paradise, I’d like to think I could appreciate her decision.

If some dirt poor teenage Marine stuck in some desert shithole 3,000 miles from his ghetto fabulous home while he stands around waiting for some random lunatic to blow him up or shoot him in the head as he stoically follows asinine, nonsensical orders and dreams of the day he can return to unemployment decided one hard day to just swallow a bullet, maybe I could grasp his reasoning.

But someone you have never met in your life and has no influence on anything other than your own little putrid hothouse imagination writes mean things about you on a computer screen and the best way you can think of to get a handle on this desperate situation is to Ace yourself?
A chain is only as strong as its weakest link so please pray to whatever God you wish that our links don’t get any weaker than this. You could build a better fence with wet toilet paper and let’s not start pulling each others cocks; we need some good strong fences in every neighborhood, everywhere now more than ever.

What we don't need are leeches, vampires, whiners, emotional cripples or energy thieves.

When it's good life's a party so...........bring something if only a smile.

When it's bad it's a war so..........lock and load and stay sharp.

If anyone wants to pipe in about how emotional abuse can sometimes be even worse than physical then you can sell that line of shit to the Air Force and they might buy it but on this page I’m peddling straight talk. I’ve taken ass-kickings and witnessed more than a few handed out only to watch the abused come back with a vengeance and a bite, determined to stand their ground no matter the cost of physical injury or humiliation.
It’s not….what’s the word…..nice… to be called names online. Why, only a few months ago a sweet girl whom I’ve never met responded to an online comment that I made (not intended to or for her) by replying- Fuck you. I think she even used an exclamation point.
Somehow, I survived.
But you know, once when I was 15 and on my way to the movies 3 thugs twice my size set upon me, beat me down and took my last red cent. I walked home sore, bloodied, bitter and just a little bit wiser. The 2 situations really bear no comparison in my mind but perhaps I’m just not sensitive enough to discern the finer points.

It’s a rough world sometimes, Kids, and I could be mistaken but it gives every appearance and promise of only getting rougher. I am truly sorry we couldn't leave you with a better deal...................But...........

If you want out then have at it while I ignore you and your whiny bullshit.

If you want in then grab an oar and start rowing.

I can personally guarantee you plenty of surprises.

Not all of them nice.

THE 2007 OFFICE KARAOKE RATINGS ARE IN!

Yes, kids…that magical day has at last arrived. New Years came and went, the Office Bonnenkai (J-land version of a x-mas party but with slightly more focus on drinking) achieved proper lift-off, much beer and shochu was drunk (and I mean drunk) and many, many cigarettes gratefully inhaled. Oh…and there was even some food somewhere along the way but let’s stick to the important business.

KARAOKE HAS LANDED!

If you intend to live and breathe in J-land (and I hope you do ‘cuz there’s plenty of room) then you must understand that Karaoke is inevitable. It is a fact of J-life and a damn fun one at that! So, yes….. The Office Party gave birth to the Karaoke Party afterwards and the votes have now been officially counted and so, without further ado, we give you the Year ’07’s roundup of the Staff performances.
(1 to 5 stars, 5 being the best)

Ataka-san- 3 and 1/2 stars
Our Fearless Leader came out of the blocks smooth, cool and easy as is his way with just about everything. His song selection perfectly suited his vocals as he milked his number like he was getting paid overtime and knocked it out with all the confidence of a big cat staring at a little mouse. Good Show.

Isobe-san- 2 and 1/2 stars
As the Rookie of the crew not much was expected from the New Guy and, to his credit, Isobe-san managed to get through his bit unharmed. The song selection was uninspired, the vocals didn’t make anyone forget Sinatra and his performance, while earnest, was on the mild, not wild, side. But, all in all, we’ll call it a successful swinging bunt. You’re On, I-san!

Kumi-chan- 4 stars
For the lone supply of estrogen in a room packed with testosterone the heat was most certainly cranked up as we all salivated while waiting for her to come across with the goods and MAN……..did she ever!
Song selection?
Perfection!
K-chan chose a soft lovely tune which she blew through the room like a cool breeze on a hot summer day making sure that everyone was glad, and then some, that she was in attendance. The vocals were a sweet lullaby of feminine grace and beauty on an otherwise roughneck, hardleg night and her lovely sound is still cracking my heart today. And for our male readers…..she’s awfully easy on the eyes too.

David-san- 3 stars
As the first gai-jin up to the plate the pressure was definitely on. D-man proceeded to belt out his number with passion and not a little bit of old fashioned moxie. His song selection may have been the unique highlight of the evening. He chose a tune (the banquet?) which I have literally never heard before in my life but that didn’t stop me at all from enjoying it. While the tune and D’s vocals were slightly loopy for stretches his infectious energy effortlessly floated the entire number, blissfully capturing the spirit of the night’s enterprise.

Kimura-san- 1 star
Ladies…..I’ll just say this. If you are ever in Kyoto you may want to locate our office to get a good eyeful of the K-stud. A strapping 6 footer with the build of a solid light heavyweight, K-san would be intimidating were it not for his gracious good manners and happy-go-lucky charm. Coupled with a killer smile and the uncanny ability to master almost any endeavor (computer whiz, tennis ace, pool shark, to name a few) he almost certainly could make a fortune in the Movies if he ever leaves us.

And so it is with great good pleasure that I can announce I have at last discovered something K-man is NOT good at!
Song selection?
THE HORROR! The man chose a sticky sweet cotton candy bit that must be the favorite of tween-age-girls-hoping-for-their-first-kiss everywhere and then commenced to wobble through it like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Painful! Almost anything could’ve helped his performance but, unfortunately, nothing did. The single star is only because no animals were harmed during his performance. Kimura-san! GAMBATTE YO!

Jesse-san- ZERO STARS
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Incomplete! F! The J-man hit the door and pulled his cord without grabbing the mic and in so doing managed to escape evaluation and any applause. A very poor show. But the good news is that I’m fairly certain that, according to J-land tradition, this means that Jesse-san is obliged to perform the first number next year and, further, that we get to choose the song!
Sorry Bro’ but right now I’m leaning towards “Like a Virgin”.

Kazuo-san- 5 STARS
At about 5’9” and 185 lbs. and with a pleasurably gentle demeanor Kaz-san can accurately be described as a Teddy Bear of a man and so it is, was and will remain a profound shock to see him unmask and reveal the inner Hip-Hop Madman that exists inside his calm façade.
K-man led off the evening by donning a DJ Ozma wig (and if you don’t know DJ Ozma then see above photo or youtube him and find out), snatching the mic with a vengeance, leaping up on our table and pumping out the jams with the ferocity and energy of a sugar buzzing 10 year old delinquent with a big bag of candy. Rump shaking, earth quaking, love making and too much just wasn’t enough! Now that’s how you start a party! If I only had a video cam…

It’s faint praise but Kaz-san is without a doubt our 2007 Karaoke MVP!
Long may he reign.

My performance? I’ll say this much.

If we are ever drinking together and there is a microphone within arms reach then HEED MY WORDS-

RUN! AS FAST AS YOU CAN! RUN!

To my credit I did not shatter any glass, I did not hear any dogs howling, I was not asked to leave, no one threw anything at me during or after my song and the neighbors (as far as I know) did not complain.

So all in all it was one of my better nights.