Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Shit List

As a new addition to Anagblog we decided to bring attention to certain cultural activities, personalities, political movements or just plain anything that we feel we must all take an active role in stamping out whenever and wherever possible.
Featured in today’s list are Non-sports that suck up otherwise valuable TV time. These include-

Soccer- We Americans are wrong about many things, it’s true. But listen, Soccer ain’t one of them! Do you know why we bite at soccer? Because this “sport” is clearly the refuge of the athletically challenged so, boys and girls, if you can’t throw, catch or run and don’t possess size, speed or actual athletic skill, WELCOME TO THE TEAM! Just trot back and forth around the field doing nothing purposeful for a couple of hours and you’ll fit right in and don’t worry about having any “impact” on the game because the outcome will most likely be decided by something close to an accident. And why the hell does the clock count up instead of down? It’s like timekeeping in Bizarro world or something. Perhaps not so curiously, the absolute futility of this exercise can only be fully appreciated by actually watching it. Guys. Pick up the fucking ball and run with it! It’s small wonder you rejects can prance around the field with a goal LITERALLY as big as a barn door and yet still manage a scoreless tie after hours of meandering patty cake nonsense. Those things at the ends of your arms are called hands, they’re really quite useful. And if anyone tries to tell me how bouncing a ball off your head is a “skill” then they’ve never watched “The Three Stooges”. No wonder you people lost WWII.

Men’s Figure Skating- Really…do we even need to go into this? Let’s everybody quit while we’re behind, hey?

Marathon/Triathlon Races- OK. I agree that these feats of determination and endurance are honorable, admirable athletic and human achievements. But guess what? Endurance is boring to watch for everyone except the person directly involved or their immediate family. The pathetic sight of a bedraggled, pancake chested, sweaty, almost dead female slogging to a faraway finish line is DULL, and stick legged, skull faced Africans pounding down the road is even more, how can I express it, agonizingly DULL. And then it gets duller than dull. Human beings’ struggling to finish something is only interesting in documentaries or Hollywood movies because they edit out the "suck" and add the “drama” rendering something with at least the possibility of a compelling narrative and visual curiosity. It can and will NEVER work in real time so please hand out the checks or awards or medals or whatever these fitness maniacs get for punishing themselves but keep this masochistic crap off the tube.

Women’s Professional Basketball- Ladies. Quit struggling because you’re denting all the perfectly good rims. This one is just plain ugly folks and ugly should never be associated with the word “Woman”. Here is the play-by-play for any 5 minutes of any WPB game ever televised- missed shot…………..turnover…..turnover…..missed lay-up……..ball thrown out of bounds……….turnover…………missed shot…………………..2 points! Girls, I can visit any local H.S. and witness a superior level of play and I DON’T HAVE TO PAY TO SEE IT. Let’s everybody just shake hands and stop trying to sell this snoozer to a rightfully uninterested public. No hard feelings girls but some things just ain’t meant to be.

Synchronized Swimming- Yes I know that this one is too easy but this “sport” must never cease from being criticized until it is driven far underground and completely out of sight. Fucking honestly, what brand of brain-dead moron would even consider engaging in this relentlessly pointless enterprise? I’ve seen Hardcore Gangbang Porn stars that appear more engagingly human and alive than these Stepford sisters. Jesus girl, get a boyfriend or something or are you trying to appear mentally handicapped? And who finds the visual of make-upped, death’s-head grinning, Barbie doll clones wearing nose plugs while robotically flopping around a pool the slightest bit attractive? Somehow they’ve managed to make wet teenaged hard bodies in bathing suits absolutely unwatchable and I, for one, just didn’t think that was even possible. Congratulations on ruining a decent hard-on.

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