Stone the Crows

As I type these words the L.A. Branch in the U.S. division of the Roman Catholic Church is preparing to settle their numerous (508 to be exact) child sexual abuse cases out of court- rather than face testimony and cross examination- for the sum of $660 million dollars. Averaging out to $1.2 million per victim give or take a few hundred thousand. Dollars I mean.
This settlement brings the U.S. Church’s current payout total to just over $2 billion nationwide.
I cannot find an accurate tally of the children abused.

Please consider those sums for just a moment.

660 MILLION DOLLARS!

Total- 2 BILLION DOLLARS!

And that's just the US Division, the Main Office ain't pitching up a buck.

For the accountants out there the Church will handle it about like this-

“Cardinal Mahoney said that $250 million of the settlement would be paid by the Archdiocese, $227 million by insurers and $60 million by religious orders whose priests and brothers perpetuated some of the abuse. He said the remainder, $123 million, would come from “other sources”, including religious orders “not yet participating” in the settlement.
In previous settlements the Archdiocese of L.A. had already promised $144 million, bringing its total to about $774 million in settlements. Cardinal Mahoney said that to pay for the settlements, the Archdiocese would sell some properties, liquidate some investments and borrow some money. He said he would not need to end any core functions or sell any parish properties or schools.” N.Y. Times, July 17, 2007.

So happy to hear that they will only have to sell “some” properties and liquidate “some” assets.

And praise to their God that their business…er….sorry, religious core functions will not be affected too greatly.

But, I was wondering, who are they borrowing money from? A Bank? The Swiss Government?? Bill Gates???

Can you imagine the application interview process?

“Excuse me, Young Man, but I’d like to discuss a matter of some........er.........delicacy."

"We are here to serve in any way we can."

"Thank you. Well, we'd like to borrow $123 million dollars.”

"Rather a large sum, wouldn't you say?"

"We are a large.......Organization."

“I should like to inquire about the purpose of the loan….um……sir?”

“Yes…well…..it unfortunately appears that my Organization has been ordered to pay $660 million for the decades long systematic sexual abuse of children left in our care and we’ll be needing the $123 to make the nut and keep the old ship on course if you know what I mean” Winks, grins ruefully.

“Ah………I see……………..and what, may I ask, can you offer as collateral (painful expression)…….your….Cardinal…ish..ness?”

“Half the money and property in the World and YOUR SOUL’S EVERLASTING LIFE IN HEAVEN!”

“Well….we had a very similar application recently from a Mr…….just a sec……….yes……..a Mr. Bin Laden who offered much the same as collateral. To be frank we are interested in only the 1st part of the offer. Exactly, I assure you, what we informed Mr. Bin Laden of as well.” Smiles, slightly.

“The cash and land is the real deal and you know it,” jaw tight, “so what about it?”

“Well sir, I think we may be able to work something out.” Smiles, widely.

“Of course you will have to fill out this very simple form……oh…….really more of a contract actually and most routine.” He slides the paper across the desk.

“And we will be needing a signature.”

“We’ve done plenty business before…. Give me the pen.” He grabs and begins to scribble.

“Of course we have Your Eminence….and may I just say,” folds his long fingers across the desk,

“What a fantastic ring.”