Sunday, September 23, 2007
Here I sit, broken-hearted...............
As I type these words Sen. Larry Craig (R. Idaho) is awaiting his second day in court (well, technically his 1st since he mailed his initial guilty plea in without appearing before the bench) on charges of disorderly conduct. The original charge upon arrest of Sen. Craig in the public restroom of the Minneapolis Airport was suspicion of lewd conduct.
It is at this early point that I must beg faithful readers to pause…….take a breath…….. and consider the nature of those arrest charges, however momentarily, against that stalwart bastion of Republican Family Values and faithful soldier for the great State of Idaho.
Suspicion of Lewd Conduct.
I for one, must state here and now that I would like to publicly broadcast almost all my examples of lewd conduct were it not for my sense of modesty, decorum and respect for my partners’ privacy but SUSPICION of lewd conduct?
Good Lord if I were to be arrested for suspicion of lewd conduct almost every woman I looked at on the street, or in private for that matter, could have the cops drag me away to the slam in a horny heartbeat. But I digress.
First let’s state the objective facts of the Senators case on which all parties- Sen. Craig, the Police Sting Unit, the Prosecution, and the Defense- agree in full.
Was there any actual, physical sexual contact of any kind between these 2 fully grown men? There was not.
Did Sen. Craig attempt to physically coerce his victim (the undercover Officer) into any sexual activity? He did not.
Did the Senator attempt to physically detain or restrain the Officer in any way? He did not.
Did Sen. Craig implicitly or explicitly offer any financial compensation in return for sexual favors or verbally state his desire for same? He did not.
Ahem. (or as the Good Senators constituents might say- Amen!)
So, in shorthand, we have a 60ish US Senator lurking around public restrooms trolling for freebie fuckbuddies willing to freak with him because he’s so sexually straight jacketed that this unseemly practice appears to him reasonable or at least necessary and we have an entire Law Enforcement Unit (comprising up to 9 full-time Officers) also lurking around the toilets, sniffing anywhere and everywhere for illicit blowjobs, buttfucks and any other Adult consenting hookups that they might stumble across, or better yet, entrap their lecherous fellow citizens into before they righteously snap the cuffs on these villains and thus keep our society safe from……….um………….gee…………………gimme a minute………………uh……………my gay friends moaning in the stalls?
Congratulations Minnesota, your tax dollars are hard at work and your airport restrooms well on their way to being pleasure-free!
An ancient Buddhist koan says, “Treat matters of great importance very lightly and matters of small importance very seriously.” And with that in mind let’s examine this farce sans uproarious Democratic laughter for a moment.
My Republican Friends (OK…OK…I don’t actually have any Republican friends, what can I say- I rent), don’t you see where your disastrous and desperate clinging to social policies based on a wholly unrealistic- and you all keep proving that- and twisted sense of morality is leading? Family Values sounds good and sells well and you probably can’t go far wrong politically by trumpeting your disgust of Homosexuality to your Bible-thumping, God-Fearing, People-hating, scared shitless, sexually repressed masses that just want to hang onto their money (and who can blame them for that) and that unfortunately form approximately 51% of the voting population but you guys just keep popping up out of the closet like lily white, Brooks-Brothered, Power-tied, Flag-waving, cock-sucking whack-a-moles!
You just won’t stop talking the Christian Right Talk but you can’t walk the CR walk.
Here’s some free advice and I pray (seriously) that you take it to heart.
Embrace your Gay brothers and Sisters! The Log Cabin Republicans may be your last hope and the Gay Community the last minority group you actually have a chance of persuading to join your joyless minions. Burning each other at the stake for sins that you yourselves have likely or will likely commit in the very near future is a modern Witch-hunt leaving your party with nothing but charred innocents and maniacal closet cases. Further, this volcanic cauldron of sexual repression and hypocrisy that is boiling just below your uptight, upright surface is always and inevitably going to blow up right in your too tight faces with all of the YouTube Nation glued to their screens and savoring your very public humiliation. Your children don't need this! Your Nation doesn't need this! You are the Party of Abraham Lincoln! Small Government...remember? Do not go any further down that road.
What am I doing? Forget all that. You guys are on your own. Just keep doing what you're doing and see you in '08.
And Sen. Craig? Your case looks like a winner so tough it out. Your Wife and Kids? Your problem but let me help you out.
Larry? Senator Larry???
Think about Lawrence ‘cuz I’m pretty sure it don’t say Larry on your birth certificate. Now go and sin no more.