Friday, February 8, 2008

Odds and Ends- No. 1 Boom Boom Edition Part II

Tomorrow I will have spent 4 and one half Decades on this Planet and while it is painfully true that I don’t know a whole Hell of a lot more than I did when I started, like the Blues Man said-
I know a little ‘bout Love…….and Baby I can guess the rest!

It is said that Men fear intimacy. If this is true then I must be an anomaly. What is the point if not those blissful moments afterward when you can hold each other, kiss, coo, touch, lick, smooch, smack, squeeze, grab, hug, hold and, at last, boldly stare into the eyes/soul of the one person on Earth who has just made you explode in very real passion for this very real world?
Maybe I’m the wrong generation......

Perhaps I lack imagination but I have never subscribed to the almost universal male fantasy of two women at once. Call me stupid but I can never understand the beat of it- I only got one cock, what the hell do I need with two women simultaneous?
I guess I’m simpleminded but I like to concentrate my affections in one area at a time.

You know the other (perhaps not as prevalent) fantasy I don’t get?
The Virgin.
Yes, yes…..I understand the idea of conquering the pristine purity of a fresh flower but let me call it straight. I want a woman who knows what the hell she wants and knows what the hell she’s doing. I don’t necessarily need to, or want to, see your resume (please keep that history to yourself) but please do bring some experience to the task at hand. My sole experiment with the Virginal type boiled down to 2 days of frustration and patience for which, I found out, I was ill-equipped. At the end of this marathon of tooth grinding abstinence I finally slammed it home and her cherry (bless her Soul) was properly popped and all mine.
I sincerely do not mean to sound ungrateful but one of us learned a lot from that experience and it wasn’t me.

I’ve recently been drenched in a torrent of mystified pleas from lovely young ladies in the 28-31 yr. old (that pressure packed period) age group. The unsettling confusion is, alas, none too original here or, I’m guessing, anywhere.
“Why are there no Good Boyfriends?”
“Why doesn’t he want to get married?”
“Where are all the Good Men?”
The short answer to that last is, “We’re taken.” (Back Up…it’s a Damn Joke….get it?)
The long answer is, and I sometimes fear always will be, “We’re right here!”
Now to be agonizingly clear the vast majority of these Women that I am grateful but bewildered to encounter are slender, smart, sharp, capable, luscious, ripe, ready and not a single one of them mine. How my gender fails to scoop up this ubiquitous bounty of beauty is well beyond my understanding. I’m also perplexed as to exactly what the Ladies are waiting on while these Clowns rumble along tripping over their dicks but I’m almost always sure that what these beauties are seeking is directly in front of their faces if only they could see it through those cell phones they’ve got glued to their lovely noses.
Why we Adults all spend our lives tiptoeing around one another like 3rd graders at our 1st Big Dance is well beyond me but I know this for certain.
1). He’s in his 30’s
2). You been giving him some Good Lovin’ for some period of time exceeding 3 months
3). You ain’t fat, ugly, stupid, crazy or greedy
4). He ain’t either
5).He actually likes Women (not just Loves them but likes them too)
If he hasn’t asked you to set up house together by right now…..
He ain’t gonna! Not Now. Not Ever! And if you really want to know why then I’ll tell you.
It’s because he’s waiting for something better (or at least younger) to come along. Think about that the next time you decide to drop down and make his toes curl! Men are little more than selfish Big Boys and will remain so for as long as we can manage to pull it off and then some but I know Good Men everywhere with hot wives and no complaints and I’m going to tell you a secret about us.
No Charge!
Getting married is about as difficult as riding a bicycle and, just like a bike, once you’ve done it you never forget how!
It’s Evolution, Comfort, Security and Love wrapped in one, admittedly tight, decidedly Adult, suffocatingly responsible package.
Women have consistently been the easiest choices I’ve ever made in my entire life and while I certainly haven’t always chosen wisely (who among us has?), my personal regret list vis-à-vis the Fairer Sex wouldn’t take one hand to completely calculate. If my batting average in all other walks of life were the same or similar, right now I’d be laying on my private beach in Thailand planning my next vacation while plotting my Takeover of The World.
Put it this way- If your boy takes less than a month to decide what car he wants to buy but a year just isn’t quite enough to choose a real live woman than that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about both of his heads.

Remember that crazy broad Mary Kay LeTourneau from a few years ago who was accused, arrested, convicted and jailed for sexually assaulting her then 14 yr. old student (she was 36) and then went on to get out, break conditions of her parole by grinding on said student by the side of the road, was returned to jail while pregnant with his child then did her time, again, came back to his open arms and eventually married the, at that time, 21 yr. old Mack Daddy?
This is a Love Story for all the ages.
What this woman went through to get some good dick inspires me, as a man, to tears of admiration.
This was a Woman in Love.
Now what if the situation was reversed?
A 36 yr.old Man nails his nubile Female 14 yr. old student?
They ain’t got holes deep enough to throw that fucker in if he’s caught. If he ever sees the light of day again you can consider him lucky as he mournfully cherishes his faded memories of ripe flesh and blossoming sex.
What’s the difference you ask?
It’s physiological and this is my point.
Villi was a Hero to his classmates- Not only did he capture the love of his older, whiter teacher but he actually (while all the rest were only dreaming I’m sure) fucked her! At his leisure and she came back, time and again despite tremendous hazards, for more and then some more.
If a man has sex with a curious 8th grader he will certainly (perhaps justifiably) be universally painted as a dangerous, lecherous, evil sex fiend preying on the young and much too innocent.
Because he has a cock that’s why.
You see MKL didn’t rape Big Villi, indeed she was, is, and never will be capable of same. This may be too simple for some but let it be said- Women cannot rape men, it is a physical impossibility.
Women are not equipped for sexual assault, harassment or any other sexual deviance because these crimes are dependant on physical invasion.
Physical violation.
They are the exclusive and guilty property of my gender and mine alone.
And this is at the heart of Our Male fear of Female infidelity and our somewhat casual attitude to our own behavior.
I know it’s Sex Ed 101 but the basic encounter leaves a man with an option a woman does not possess, i.e.
He can wipe it off, zip it up and pretty much forget about the whole equation if he so chooses, kind of like a bad meal which he'll never eat again.
For the woman…I don’t know. And I never will.
But our shock and awesome fear of Feminine infidelity is simply and earth shatteringly just that pure physiological reality in all its ugliness and terror.
You have allowed someone other than me to invade the sanctity of your precious body and take what once was mine and hopefully mine alone. This violation is permanent and cannot be rescinded. My life is forever altered in a way which I was not and cannot be prepared for. I am now, officially, less than I once was. You are now, officially, tainted goods and every moment of our life, every glance into your eyes hammers that fact home to me.
And because of this childish but true grasp on the nature of relationships I fear that although this world belongs to Us I have no doubt in my mind that We are the weaker sex so……….
Have mercy.

Death is around here somewhere……I can smell the Rotten Bastard even if I can’t see him but you want to know something?
If I can go with the memory of that time……….
That time we were in the Jacuzzi at the hotel…….
That time in front of our giant mirror when it was so cold outside…….
That time in the shower when we didn’t say a word……..
That 1st time when you kicked your shoes off and peeled your blouse…….
That time we were angry and hungry and mean…….
That time we were so tired and sick of it all…….
That time when you begged me to come inside you…….
I’ll be able to look that Fucker in the eye and tell him-
OK! I got my money’s worth.

And I'll be smiling at him.

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